Not Enough

"If in dealing with one who does not respond, I weary of the strain, and slip from under the burden then I know nothing of Calvary love."

Amy Carmichael

Given my tendency to tackle challenges head-on, as soon as God revealed His focus for my life this year, my first thought was, "Ok, where do I start? Let's get going!" And I proceeded to busy myself looking for the "logical" place to begin to explore the deeper, self-sacrificing love that God showed me through His Son.

However, it wasn't long before the Holy Spirit whispered, well...no, I think this time He shouted, "Kathi, I will show you were to begin!" It was then I discovered that before I could even begin to learn anything of real substance about the kind of love God is calling me to I have come face-to-face with the fact that I do not, can not love...enough.

I must confess that this is not a lesson I thought I needed to learn! You see, I am a "touchy, feely" kind of person who loves (pun intended) and enjoys giving both love and grace. I thought I had the whole loving the unloveable covered. Let's move on to the next lesson! But God said, "Let's put that to the test." Keep in mind that when God tests us it is not for Him to learn more about us but rather to teach us more about - us.

Over the past two weeks I have been confronted by person after person, situation after situation where I cannot remain neutral. I must choose to love or not, there is no middle ground. And if I choose to love I know at the outset that I have no realistic expectation to be loved in return. My heart says, "I want to love, that is part of who I am." My head says, "I feel like I'm getting beat up. Why would I love when I get only pain in return?" The answer to this question is less about us and more about Jesus. And reconciling this dilemna is the foundational challenge that I, in fact all of us at one time or another must tackle if we truly desire to learn more about love.

So, before I can move on to other lessons I must come to the undeniable realization that, without Christ, my love is simply...not enough.

Dare we move on to the next lesson?

...and the theme for this year is...

"You've heard it said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate you enemy.' But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use and persecute. For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same?" Jesus in Matthew 5: 43-44, 46 NKJV

For several years God has given me a theme for each new year. Last year's theme was focus and refocus. This year God didn't waste any time. On New Year's Day He clearly communicated to me that I am to focus on love. Love...hmm...this is going to be fun! After all, I have a wonderfully loving relationship with my husband who is my best friend, I am crazy in love with my son and daughter-in-love, I have the unspeakable joy of sharing God's love in ministry around the world, I also have the privilege of speaking love into the lives of couples who have lost babies, I love being a part of bringing new life into the world through working in Labor and Delivery, and I am a part of an incredibly loving church family! Bring it on!

But it didn't take long to discover that the love God is calling me to this year is a deeper love. Our society has a way of taking life issues like this and wrapping them in pretty packages so that we can sit in our comfortable living rooms and say, "Ah, isn't that sweet!" We are just two weeks into 2010 and already God has moved me beyond warm, fuzzy feelings to something deeper. In a sense it even goes beyond romantic love, although that certainly can be a component of it.

No,this is a dangerous love. This is sacrificial love. This is the kind of love Jesus had as He hung on the cross. The missionary, Amy Carmichael, called it Calvary Love. I like to refer to it as illogical love. In short, God is asking me, asking us, to love those who can't or won't love us back.

Now, it just so happens that I have a blog! So, I invite you to climb aboard and take this journey to love with me. However, if you dare join me I think it's only fair to warn you to buckle your seat belt. I think this is going to be a wonderfully bumpy ride!

Whom do our monuments honor?

And they took Absalom and cast him into a large pit in the woods, and laid a very large heap of stones over him...Now Absalom in his lifetime had taken and set up a pillar for himself, which is in the King's Valley. For he said, "I have no son to keep my name in remembrance." He called the pillar after his own name. And to this day it is called Absalom's Monument.

II Samuel 18: 17a-18 (emphasis mine)

Having just celebrated the one special day of the year that we set aside to express our gratitude for our blessings to God, I do realize that there are many who desire to make every day a day of thankfulness. Yet, I was struck this year by the irony of the contrast between Thanksgiving Day and Black Friday. The one day that is isolated specifically to show appreciation is immediately followed by what is arguably the one day each year that brings out the height of our greediness. It is as though we say to God, "Thank you for all you've given to us and done for us, and now we want more!"

In my devotional time last week I read of the death of King David's son, Absalom. He was killed by those who fought in his father's army, thrown into a pit, and a large pile of stones, a monument if you will, was placed on his "grave." The very next verse in II Samuel 18 tells of the monument that Absalom erected to himself. I believe it is no accident the these two verses live side-by-side in God's word.

I also realize that there are many who have suffered loss this year, whether it be that of a dear loved one or employment and finances. I too, have felt the sting of loss in some areas of life this year. These challenges can often obscure the blessings in our lives and cause us to throw our hands up in resignation saying, "I'm going to take care of me because no one else will!" Isn't that what Absalom did when he erected his monument?

However, the stark reality is that, even with the losses and hardships we've endured this year, Americans and those in the western world are indeed blessed beyond measure. Anyone reading this has access to a computer and the internet. Add to that food, a place to live, freedom...I could go on and on. The bottom line is that life is all about where we chose to put our focus.

Ironically, everything that was purchased just three days ago, in time, will deteriorate and be discarded. But a life lived as a daily expression of gratitude will be a "monument" that will echo throughout eternity. The question we all should ask ourselves is, "Whom do I want to honor?"

Isn't it Funny?

I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat

and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't

my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?

Yogi Berra

In light of the recent final game of the World Series, finding the above quote this morning proved to be both interesting (in the timing) and quite disturbing to me. Isn't it funny that those of us who would take on the name of Christ, those of us who would call ourselves "followers of Jesus," often will go to great lengths to avoid introspection?

Our flesh, the fallen state into which we are born is all about protecting - me. Of course, in some areas this is good. God "programmed" self preservation into us. But He never desired that we would protect ourselves at the expense of others. We, myself first of all, are much too quick to "change bats," as Yogi Berra put it. We cling to family, friends, jobs, Church as long as it feels good to - me. After all it is all about me, or is it?

When problems arise with family, friends, jobs, and Church and it's time to examine the cause of those problems, isn't it funny that it stops being all about me? "I certainly am not the cause of this problem or that problem. Don't they see what they have done wrong? Where is their integrity? I think they need to take a long, hard look at themselves!" Some how it is no longer about me.

Be careful Christians, be careful Church, be careful Kathi. We have told ourselves, those around us, and God that we long to be like Jesus. We stick our chests out and say that we imitate Christ. But Christ was mocked and rejected by the spiritual leaders of His day. He was physically beaten. He was labeled a madman. Do we really want to imitate Christ? Jesus said, "Father, forgive them."

Now, you might say that I'm "preaching to the choir." And my response would be that you are exactly right! And I am in the choir! You see, the only Jesus many will know is the Jesus they see in me. The choir sings God's praises with the most clarity when we're not on stage!

Isn't it funny that sometimes when life gets hard we take our eyes off Jesus? Isn't it funny that when trials, dilemmas, and hardships come we tend to blame "the bat?" Let's remember God's promise to forgive our sins if we confess them to Him (I John 1:9). Not only is it safe to look at ourselves and how we have contributed to a problem, it is one of the ways that we grow. Thankfully in God's economy there is no such thing as a useless, broken bat. And keeping that in mind, may each one of us take a good, hard look at ourselves because, in the end, it's not funny at all.

National Infant and Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day - Oct. 15th

Just an invitation to join parents all over the United States in lighting a candle tonight at 7:00PM in remembrance of our precious babies in heaven.

A Prayer for the Day

Dear Abba Daddy,

I thank you that your are the giver of all life. I pray that today, as we remember the babies we love but never really knew, that you will renew the lives of those of us who grieve for those babies with a fresh infusion of your comfort and peace.

I thank you that we know beyond doubt that our precious babies are with you. Knowing that helps us to realize that our grief is truly for ourselves: our loss, our hopes and dreams. I pray that you would show us creative and loving ways to be our little ones hands and feet, and in that way, we will know that our children can make a difference in the world.

Father, I especially lift up those whose wounds are fresh - today, this week, this month, this year. I pray that you would wrap your arms around them using the arms of the people in their lives who love them like you do. Please remind them anew that, in the midst of their chaos, you are in control. Remind us all that you are well acquainted with the pain and helplessness of the loss of a child.

I thank you with all my heart for those who are burdened for others who have lost a baby. They sacrificially make themselves available and vulnerable through their willingness to re-live the pain of their own loss. Bless them today, Lord, as they once again reach out to the hurting with the comfort with which you've comforted them.

I thank you that your mercies are new every morning and your promise to work all things for our good and your glory as we follow you. And for those who have not yet chosen to follow you I pray that the knowledge that their precious baby is in your arms would drive them to those same loving, Father's arms. Abba, may you be glorified even in the midst of grief. We love you, help us to love you more.

I pray this in the name of the Son that you sacrificed, giving us the privilege to come boldly before the Creator of the Universe, Jesus Christ our Savior and Lord. Amen

My Baby's In Heaven?

"...I will go to him, but he will not return to me."

King David in II Samuel 12:2-23

I have discovered, sometimes painfully, that I am normal! I am not special or extra-ordinary and I do not stand out in a crowd. Of course, I am special to God, He is "especially fond" of all His kids but from an earthly perspective...I am average.

I find it necessary to point that out because I suspect that moms and dads who have lost a baby are just like me - normal. You see, when we lost our precious baby, Peanut, I adamantly expressed by belief that he is in heaven, in the presence of God. But somewhere deep down inside me I wondered...and prayed, "Dear God, please let that be so. Please somehow confirm that for me."

Thankfully our God is faithful, He both hears and answers our prayers. And our grief breaks His heart. So, when I was ready to receive it, God brought to me a story found in the Old Testament of the Bible in II Samuel 12. Here we learn that David sinned by having an affair with Bathsheba, having Bathsheba's husband murdered, and their union resulted in a pregnancy. Later the prophet Nathan informed David that his son would not live and immediately the child fell ill.

David tore his clothes, fasted, and prayed that God would spare his son but the infant died. When that happened David picked himself up off the ground, literally, cleaned up, ate, and went into the temple to worship God. Of course, the king's closest attendants were baffled by his behavior and questioned him. Here was his response, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, 'Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.' But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me." II Samuel 12:22-23 (emphasis mine)

God in His loving kindness to parents for generations to come recorded David's loss so that we do not have to wonder. We can know that we know that we know that our precious babies are just fine waiting for us to join them in heaven! We only need to accept Jesus' free gift of salvation.

On October 25,1988 President Reagan and the United States Congress declared October to be National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and October 15th has been specifically set aside to remember our sweet children. My prayer for every mother, father, and family member who have lost a baby is that you would be filled with comfort and peace, as you remember you child this month, knowing that he or she is safe in our Father's arms and enjoying His presence!